camping

thought it would help, it did last night, but this morning. It all hit me again.

I don't know what it is about the mornings,

maybe it's that i know that most likely i won't hear from her, or that my phone might only vibrate with one text all day and it's my boss asking if i'm going to come in.

Maybe it's that i won't be able to see that smile, or those bright eyes that used to be one of my only reason for waking up every morning.

Maybe it's that i won't hear her voice, or her jokes. I won't see her teaching swim lessons, i won't make a dr pepper float or even just a plain dr. pepper.

Maybe it's cause i know i might find something good or quotable in the book i'm reading and i won't have anyone to share it with.

Mornings suck.

right now, my social life sucks

Goodbye to all my friends, good luck in college. i'll still be here when you come back, I probably won't have made much progress, maybe if you're in town you can say hello.

distractions

they aren't working

Right after it happened i felt like i was going to break into a million pieces, so i swam, i swam for 2 hours straight, it didn't work out. turns out it's possible to cry and swim at the same time.

Later that day i had to go to a meeting in Payson, i cranked the radio, that didn't work cause uncle kraker's song "smile" came on. people that saw me on the freeway probably thought i was a big baby.

Yesterday i tried to distract myself with work and with people, that worked till i saw her and realized that i really missed her, and still like her as much as ever, i tried to forget about it, it didn't work. last night i went to bed again crying.

Today, i just couldn't get out of bed, when i did i broke down in the shower. This is the worst. I hope she isn't having as hard a time with this as I am because i can't stand the idea of her feeling this way.

I kinda wish i could just not wake up till i know i wont feel this way anymore. or if i could wake up and everything could be like it used to that would be the better option.

I miss her, i won't deny it, i'm a wreck.

just a line i like from a song

Can you promise me if this is right:
Don't throw it all away?

rocket to the moon "like we used to"

can i just say that i wish it worked that easily? cause i'm sick of waking up with an upset nauseous stomach, having my eyes being stuck shut because of the gunk that comes when you cry as you're falling asleep, or feeling like there is no reason for me to be awake today, and going to bed feeling like no one in the world cares that i feel lonelier than I ever have.

yep this is the worst i've ever felt.

what did i do wrong?

I have so many questions, none that can be answered. Like i said before I tend to question a lot of things.
Lately it's just;

-what did i do wrong?
-was I too pushy?
-did i not show that i care enough?
-did i not fight hard enough to keep things together?
-did i need to say something I didn't say?
-did i say to much?
-why is this happening?
-was i supposed to get closer when i thought i was supposed to give more space?
-did I make her feel that she wasn't good enough? (i sure hope not because that is definitely not the case)
-did i not show that she meant everything to me?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. all i know is that if i keep feeling the way i have felt these last 2 days i don't know if i'll make it. I wish i could get in a time machine and go back to relive the last 3 months over and over, because they were the best i've ever had. No one has ever treated me as kindly and accepted me for who i am without trying to fix me like she did. I can't do this anymore, i can't deal with the sudden tears when i hear a song on the radio, or when i'm alone with my thoughts, or when i'm watching a movie all alone. this is the worst, I would do anything to make things go back to the way they were. I miss her more than i can say. i just wish i knew what i did wrong.

i'm struggling with words today, so music will have to do

while the songs aren't perfect, they portray the way i feel. Extreme gratitude for the blessing of enduring friendship. But the depression of heartbreak at the same time.

a song to describe my feelings.

this kinda describes the way i feel tonight.

lagoon with the fam

I'm going to lagoon today, I haven't been since 9th grade. Normally, I would love this idea. but today is not the day for lagoon. Reason #1: I have managed to upset my stomach worse than it's felt in a long time. Reason #2: I would much much much rather be with my best friend. She leaves soon and i'm really going to miss her.

Keith Urban said it best

"Without you i'd survive, but i'd have to have the notion, that I could live this life, just going through the motions"