Wednesday, July 27, 2011

self esteem

It's a weird thing. I've always lacked in this department. that was until the beginning of the summer, when things changed. All of the sudden I finally felt like I had a reason to be around. Like I had a reason to wake up. But just like every good thing it seems that this good thing was not meant to last.

Lately I've struggled with my self image again. Things have gotten weird in my life, I'm not sure where I stand anywhere I go anymore. At work I feel I don't know my job, and in my social life things are more confusing then they ever have been. I just wish I had some answers. I just want the facts as to why things have changed so much so fast. It seems that July 20th was the day things went crazy, everything was normal till the day after my birthday and then BAM life sucker punched me, and left me in a dizzying haze wondering what happened. Sadly I can't get out of the haze now, it seems to be everywhere. I am not depressed, just confused and unsure about what is going on.

I don't know if any of you know this but I love music, there is always a song that can describe how I feel, or there is a song that can help me through any time in life. These days it seems to be a hymn. "Lead Kindly Light" it's awesome, I really wish it would lead me so I could figure out the encircling gloom that seems all over in todays world, My world.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Rough Day

Rough day

That's all that needs to be said.

I don't need to explain, I don't think people want to hear it.

It's just been one of those days where half way through you start counting down the minutes till you can go to sleep and try to start over tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Birthday!!

Today was my birthday, it was pretty darn good. I'm not a huge fan of attention but i got used to it after the 3rd round of every teacher at the pool and their kids singing happy birthday.

Went to the Museam of art, if you live near BYU I would recommend it, it is really cool right now. Some of the paintings. So awesome. I really wish I was artistic. I went with the miss, she was sick but even when she is sick she is my favorite person to be around. I feel bad that I dragged her around while she was ill, I hope she was ok with it. Really though, it is thanks to her that this birthday was one for the record books. She is definitely my best friend, and those don't come around every day. I think we'll keep her around.

Birthday presents.... they were really good this year, Books, camelbak, and an axe (i know to most people that probably sounds rediculous, but i think it's awesome.)

It was a great day.

Maybe i'll take after a friend of mine and share some random facts that you might not know about me.

My worst fear..... having my heart broken

My favorite place on earth...... the mountains

My favorite vacation spot..... seattle

Favorite place to go..... mariners games

Greatest wish...... that people were more inclusive, I am bad at joining groups and I hate feeling like I don't fit in.

another wish..... I wish i didn't think so much, I can't tell you how many times i've laid in bed awake trying to figure out why something is the way it is or why it isn't the way i hoped it would be.

If i could go anywhere in time..... I would go to when i'm graduated from college, I kinda don't like it there very much and it would be nice to be done.

Yet another wish..... I sometimes wish that people were more up front with their feelings, I hate wondering what people are thinking.

Another one...... I'm a planner, but not cause i like to be, I actually hate planning things far in advance but if i don't i'm really bad at thinking of things to do spur of the moment so if there are no plans I end up sitting at home bored.

Well team, that's a little bit about me, maybe you knew those things, maybe you didn't. Really no one reads this blog so i don't know which team i'm talking to. Ha Ha

23.......i'm not sure how i feel about that.......i guess i wish it wouldn't have come so soon.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Books

"Do you know why books such as this are so important? Because they have quality. And what does the word quality mean? To me it means texture. This book has pores. It has features. This book can go under the microscope. You'd find life under the glass, streaming past an infinite profusion. The more pores, the more truthfully recorded details of life per square inch you can get on a sheet of paper, The more 'literary' you are. That's my definition, anyway. Telling detail. Fresh detail. The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies."

-Fahrenheit 451

I love books, without them I think we would live in a different world.

a colorless world

a world without emotion

a world where I would not want to be.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I miss my best friend

I never realized how much she means to me until now, she's only gone for 6 days but each of these days feels like a month. But she will be back, and until then there are phone calls and text messages to make the distance seem a little smaller.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I don't like it

I have a new least favorite feeling in the world.
You know that feeling when someone you really care about is hurt, when they are going through something and you just wish you could help? Well, I thought i had gone through that feeling before, unfortunately I hadn't. Today has been rough, I've been very worried for my best friend. So worried in fact that my stomach is upset, and I may have shed a tear or two. I wish there was something I could do to help, but there isn't. I feel so helpless, like I can't figure out a problem that is right in front of me. I guess pray is all I can really do.......... and let her know how much I care.

ugh, i don't think i'll be sleeping very well tonight.

I hate this feeling.