living a lie

Have you ever pretended to be happy just so that people wouldn't ask you what is wrong? Have you ever tried to trick yourself into believing that everything is ok, when you know that you really feel like you'll never be ok or happy again? Have you ever smiled, or laughed when you really just wanted to cry? Have you ever gone out to see people when all you really want is to shut yourself in your room and never interact with another human being again? Have you ever lost all your faith in people? Have you lost the desire to do anything and everything?

Cause I have.

Welcome to my current predicament.

I hate it, I hate it all, it's the worst.

college......again

Well team, school started. From first glance my schedule seems pretty chill, I have class monday and wednesday from 10-5:15 and then tuesday I have one class from 5-7:30 then i'm done for the week. That's right 4 day weekend every weekend. Unfortunately those 3 days every week are going to kill me. I hate it. I realized that in the 3 years and 2 days i've been at BYU I've not made a single friend from school. All of my friends have come from work, or from friendships that i have had for a long time. This place is just not for me. I am not a social butterfly, I have a hard time trusting strangers enough to open myself up, I am terrified of meeting people and ending up hurt by them somewhere down the road, and frankly, even though it's my 4th year at this church owned school, I feel weird saying a prayer before a marketing class (luckily that's the only one we say a prayer in).

And loosing my friends, and also my best friend, that probably didn't help me go into this year with a positive attitude.

I dunno team, I just don't like school. I want to be done, but at the same time I don't want to do the work to finish it all up.

and p.s. unlike everyone else here, I don't care where you served your mission, I don't care how FHE was, and I really don't care if you are engaged, and if you are engaged I don't care how or when it happened.

first day of school

I wish i could be like a lot of my friends going into this year not really knowing what to expect from school. Unfortunately I know exactly what to expect.

and i'm not excited

and i don't really want to go

and i wish i could just wake up when this whole university thing is over

Oh well, I've just gotta do it i suppose, no reason to fight against the inevitable.

I'll survive (maybe)

Maybe this will be the year I make my first friend at BYU??? (sad since it's my 4th year)

All i can say, is that with the pool closing, and school starting; I am already itching for winter and skiing to come along to take me away into a blissful state of false reality.

Nashville!

I have never been to a place that fit me so well, it was amazing. I loved it. if you want to know what it's like there listen to THIS. the song does not lie i swear.

I got boots

I got a hat

I ate at the wildhorse saloon, a real honkey tonk.

I spent 3 hours at the country music hall of fame.

And I fell in love with the city that distracted me from real life.

the truth

Things are getting better, I'm accepting what happened, and that it's over. It sucks still, i'm not going to lie. I am definitely getting better than i was that first week. Never the less this song is one I love, and it's one that kinda fits.

Tennessee

Well team i'm going to Tennessee, I was going to take my laptop with me, but i decided against it. I think it will be nice to get away from the world wide web for a little while. So, I guess I will just catch up with everything on Saturday. Who knows, maybe i'll change my mind and bring this along. i dunno i can't make up my mind.

yep

haha sometimes you just gotta laugh i suppose.

sorry

yeah, that last little rant i had posted got taken the wrong way by the wrong people. sorry team, i deleted it.

I love cheesy country songs

Maybe this one made me cry.

Maybe it is the perfect description of how i feel.

Maybe i feel like music can describe me best sometimes.

Changes

I feel like i've been going through a lot. I've never been as emotional as i've been this last week. But you know what? there are other people who are struggling too. And that makes me sad. I know of a few friends who just left for college, they left home for the first time and they are in a new environment. That's hard, I know what it's like to leave everything you have grown up with, you feel like nothing will ever be the same. Sadly it won't. but at least you know that friends will always be there. (at least the good ones will). Keep going guys, you are all in my prayers, this first little while is the hardest but you can make it. I feel bad that i've been so focused on my own sadness that i didn't realize the massive changes you are all going through. You are some of the best people i know, you will all do great. and if you ever need someone to talk to, you know my number. i'm just a phone call or a text away.

dreaming

I only dream of one thing these days, i bet you can guess what it is.

camping

thought it would help, it did last night, but this morning. It all hit me again.

I don't know what it is about the mornings,

maybe it's that i know that most likely i won't hear from her, or that my phone might only vibrate with one text all day and it's my boss asking if i'm going to come in.

Maybe it's that i won't be able to see that smile, or those bright eyes that used to be one of my only reason for waking up every morning.

Maybe it's that i won't hear her voice, or her jokes. I won't see her teaching swim lessons, i won't make a dr pepper float or even just a plain dr. pepper.

Maybe it's cause i know i might find something good or quotable in the book i'm reading and i won't have anyone to share it with.

Mornings suck.

right now, my social life sucks

Goodbye to all my friends, good luck in college. i'll still be here when you come back, I probably won't have made much progress, maybe if you're in town you can say hello.

distractions

they aren't working

Right after it happened i felt like i was going to break into a million pieces, so i swam, i swam for 2 hours straight, it didn't work out. turns out it's possible to cry and swim at the same time.

Later that day i had to go to a meeting in Payson, i cranked the radio, that didn't work cause uncle kraker's song "smile" came on. people that saw me on the freeway probably thought i was a big baby.

Yesterday i tried to distract myself with work and with people, that worked till i saw her and realized that i really missed her, and still like her as much as ever, i tried to forget about it, it didn't work. last night i went to bed again crying.

Today, i just couldn't get out of bed, when i did i broke down in the shower. This is the worst. I hope she isn't having as hard a time with this as I am because i can't stand the idea of her feeling this way.

I kinda wish i could just not wake up till i know i wont feel this way anymore. or if i could wake up and everything could be like it used to that would be the better option.

I miss her, i won't deny it, i'm a wreck.

just a line i like from a song

Can you promise me if this is right:
Don't throw it all away?

rocket to the moon "like we used to"

can i just say that i wish it worked that easily? cause i'm sick of waking up with an upset nauseous stomach, having my eyes being stuck shut because of the gunk that comes when you cry as you're falling asleep, or feeling like there is no reason for me to be awake today, and going to bed feeling like no one in the world cares that i feel lonelier than I ever have.

yep this is the worst i've ever felt.

what did i do wrong?

I have so many questions, none that can be answered. Like i said before I tend to question a lot of things.
Lately it's just;

-what did i do wrong?
-was I too pushy?
-did i not show that i care enough?
-did i not fight hard enough to keep things together?
-did i need to say something I didn't say?
-did i say to much?
-why is this happening?
-was i supposed to get closer when i thought i was supposed to give more space?
-did I make her feel that she wasn't good enough? (i sure hope not because that is definitely not the case)
-did i not show that she meant everything to me?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. all i know is that if i keep feeling the way i have felt these last 2 days i don't know if i'll make it. I wish i could get in a time machine and go back to relive the last 3 months over and over, because they were the best i've ever had. No one has ever treated me as kindly and accepted me for who i am without trying to fix me like she did. I can't do this anymore, i can't deal with the sudden tears when i hear a song on the radio, or when i'm alone with my thoughts, or when i'm watching a movie all alone. this is the worst, I would do anything to make things go back to the way they were. I miss her more than i can say. i just wish i knew what i did wrong.

i'm struggling with words today, so music will have to do

while the songs aren't perfect, they portray the way i feel. Extreme gratitude for the blessing of enduring friendship. But the depression of heartbreak at the same time.

a song to describe my feelings.

this kinda describes the way i feel tonight.

lagoon with the fam

I'm going to lagoon today, I haven't been since 9th grade. Normally, I would love this idea. but today is not the day for lagoon. Reason #1: I have managed to upset my stomach worse than it's felt in a long time. Reason #2: I would much much much rather be with my best friend. She leaves soon and i'm really going to miss her.

Keith Urban said it best

"Without you i'd survive, but i'd have to have the notion, that I could live this life, just going through the motions"

upset stomach

feels like i got punched, or kicked, or shot. mixed with a side of nausea slash stomach cramps. This happens sometimes, when i stress out, and when i get worried.

I'm used to it, but none the less it makes me feel terrible.

i've had a lot on my mind today

I know I know, you are probably wondering why i am posting for the 3rd time today. But I've realized today that i'm a very inquisitive person. I wonder a lot, I can't think of a time in my life when I haven't had at least one question on my mind. I realize that to some people this might be obnoxious. And to those people, I apologize. I think that people have taken my questioning to mean that I don't trust them, or that I am to nosey. I'm sorry I'll try to fix the problem, I've just found that especially when I am bored I like to ask questions. I'm actually very trusting of people, I just think that i come across as untrusting because of my stupid habit. so....... sorry team, i hope you'll be patient with me while I work towards a change. And if i've offended any of you, i'm sorry, just let me know if i'm asking to many questions, i'll stop. And believe me, if you doubt, I really do trust all of you.

sorry for copying miss, but I had to put this on my blog. I LOVE IT

Date A Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.


I can tell you that this is true, I know just from my own experience. And i would highly recommend that before you ever date anyone you should find out if they read.

It's that time again

I hate this time of year, people leave, school starts, and even though I go through this every year I stil stress every year that my friendships will be lost and that school might actually kill me this year. Some of the people I will miss a lot:

Mandi Call
Evan Kirby
Sidney Merryweather
Dustin Young
(maybe Hayden Anderson)
and many others.

You really are some of my favorite people on earth. I will miss you while you are gone.

I wish I could be more like

let's face it, he has an amazing outlook on life, I think we would all do better if we would just just chill out, and hang out with our best friend's and our girlfriend's once in a while, even if we should be doing something a little more serious.

one week

it's been about a week since we hung out last, I miss her. I miss everything about her.

Doctors

I don't really like going to the doctor. I've been putting it off for so long, and I thought I was doing better than I am, but evidently it is time to succumb to the fact that maybe I can't just shake this one off like other illnesses. I have my doubts in doctors, I feel like I should be able to overcome most things on my own. But when I start effecting other people, and my symptoms start effecting my ability to live a normal life, I think those are good signs that it's time to set down my pride and go in. WEDNESDAY here I come.

One track mind

Turns out I have a one track mind.

And for the last 3 and a half months (as cheesy as it may sound) the only thing that has been on my mind is



and i think you know who you are.

sorry for the cheesiness, sometimes i just have to say what i feel (that's what this blog is for by the way) just look at the subtitle.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get to drive my best friend to ephraim so she can go to a debate meeting.

Sometimes the drive there and back turn out to be the best drives of my life (not exaggerating).

Sometimes while she is in her meetings i hike and almost get attacked by snakes and birds. Then sometimes I set up the most awesome hippie shelter in the back of my truck. and sometimes after that I find domesticated elk farms.

Then maybe sometimes I go to the temple because my best friend also happens to be the best influence for good in my life.

And after it all, sometimes I really really wish I could transfer to snow, and I dread the day that my best friend has to leave.

And most of all I know that it will be much more often than just sometimes that I will miss her when she is gone.

New day

The last few posts have been a little down, I know you are all probably thinking "duh" but if you know me you know that I think way to much, almost to a point of it being unhealthy. But I would have to say thanks to two things that are helping me get through. One is my best friend, you know who you are. I have never had anyone so willing to help me through my struggles without judging me. and for that I must say
THANK YOU
our relationship means more to me than words could ever describe. You have mentioned that you don't believe me, but really, you do so much more for me than you probably realize.

The other thing that has been helping me is a quote I found from good old Honest Abe. "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." It's great to think about it that way. I figure things will happen no matter what I do, the most I can do is deal with it with a smile on my face.

THANK YOU AGAIN to my best friend.

and team, I'm going to try and make my posts more on the upbeat side.